Shitty

Do you have any idea how i live everyday looking at myself day and night, okay almost every single moment and feeling so disgusted, angry, upset, sucky with myself. Every bit of my body are all covered with fats and its not a pleasant sight at all, trust me. Sometimes i tell myself how should i go on the day being like this. Feeling like this.

Yes i know i should start dieting and do some running and workout but at this state that i am, it feels so fucking lazy and i cannot stand myself. I keep telling myself to jog to start eating less to start working out and usually when it comes to the day that i have to do it, i back out. I told myself, '' ah another day lah still got tmr''. and it always drag and drag and then i never do it at all. How?

I really wanna do something about myself, i really wanna feel good too. I want people to look at me and see my fit and healthy not see me as a fat ugly beast. I don't like the feeling either. Its not like i want some attention and thats why i want to look good. Its just that i don't want people to start looking at me and give me that unsightly face and talking behind my back saying how fat i am and that i look so disgusting and things like that.

4 fucking years i tell myself to start working out and see how the way i am right now? Still looking all ugly that i feel like chopping off all the fats in my body. OH GOD WHY.